在繪畫藝術開始之前，只有黑暗；當它結束的時候，也只有黑暗。透過我們的色彩、顏料、技巧與熱情，我們記得阿拉曾命令我們「看」！知曉，是記住你曾經看見；看見，是知曉而無須記憶。因此，繪畫正是記住黑暗...
「摘下你的面紗。」他輕聲說：「拜託。」
「我已經嫁人了，我正在等待丈夫的歸來。」
「摘下你的面紗。」他用同樣的語調說：「你的丈夫再也不會回來了。」
「你安排與我在這裡相會，是為了告訴我這件事？」
「不，我這麼做是想見到你。我想了你十二年。
摘下你的面紗，親愛的，只要再讓我看妳一眼。」
我摘下面紗，他靜靜觀察我的臉，默默望進我眼眸深處，我感到很高興。
「婚姻和母職使妳變得更為美麗。妳的臉孔與我記憶中的完全不一樣。」
「妳如何記著我？」
「帶著痛苦，因為當我想起妳時，不禁會想，我所記憶的並不是妳，而是一種幻想。」
當你熱愛一座城市並且時常漫步探索期間時，你的身體，更不要說你的靈魂，或變得對這些街道極為熟悉，以致於多年之後，在一股或許因為憂傷飄落的輕雪所引起的哀愁情緒中，你會發現你的腿自動帶著你來到最喜愛的一個岬角。
Orhan Pamuk--My name is Red（我的名字叫做紅）
Green for Good
12.26.2004
12.24.2004
冷
一種稍被遺忘卻馬上熟悉起來的感覺。
從陽台，窗口，書桌，被窩，
一直透到在床上閱讀的我。
海島上冷的感覺和大陸的冷冽全然不同，
它並不刺骨，卻像是魔咒一般環繞在身體的四周。
就算是在室內，因為沒有暖氣的關係，
那種冷像是把空氣中的濕氣都上了色，
若有似無，又讓人無法忽略。
所有的器具也都和這冷一同凜凜地存在著。
座椅，書本，電腦，馬桶，甚至碗筷，
都像是固執著不肯立刻就跟你熟稔似的，
硬是要你把自己多餘的體熱分散出去之後，
才肯承認跟你的親密關係。
雖然這樣，
這冷卻是那麼令人熟悉阿。
從陽台，窗口，書桌，被窩，
一直透到在床上閱讀的我。
海島上冷的感覺和大陸的冷冽全然不同，
它並不刺骨，卻像是魔咒一般環繞在身體的四周。
就算是在室內，因為沒有暖氣的關係，
那種冷像是把空氣中的濕氣都上了色，
若有似無，又讓人無法忽略。
所有的器具也都和這冷一同凜凜地存在著。
座椅，書本，電腦，馬桶，甚至碗筷，
都像是固執著不肯立刻就跟你熟稔似的，
硬是要你把自己多餘的體熱分散出去之後，
才肯承認跟你的親密關係。
雖然這樣，
這冷卻是那麼令人熟悉阿。
12.17.2004
楓葉
伍佰，冬之火演唱會。原曲：翁倩玉
當秋天灑下最後一把楓葉時 正是我要離開的時候 看著收拾好的行李 想起遠方的你 心裡竟然有一股 幸福的感覺 就在這個時候 地上的楓葉 剎那間
飛起來 飛過來 飛進我 深深心懷
越過那 寧靜海 充滿著 回憶的海
那陽光 灑下了愛 催促著 萬物綻開
那彩虹 像個小孩 勇敢的 堅定的 站起來
飛過那 矮竹籬 擦過那 斑駁牆壁
發黃的 照片裡 痛快著 那麼熟悉
不經意 和你相遇 在天空 飄著小雨
落下來 清澈的溪 甜美的 每一點 每一滴
楓葉啊 載滿著我的感動 楓葉啊 傾聽著我心情衷
深秋裡 伴隨著亮麗的夢 衝向我
化成了滿山和滿谷的對你思念
寫滿了滿地和滿天的愛的詩篇
詠嘆著生命的美麗和世界的無限
飛舞在以後和從前 它連成一片
隨著溪 流了去 隨著河 又流了來
離去時 心感激 回來時 滿心期待
因為愛 所以存在 露溼的 綠色青苔
晨曦中 迎風而來 飛進了 我心中 的大海
越過那 寧靜海 充滿著 回憶的海
那陽光 灑下了愛 催促著 萬物綻開
那彩虹 像個小孩 勇敢的 堅定的 站起來
飛過那 矮竹籬 擦過那 斑駁牆壁
發黃的 照片裡 痛快著 那麼熟悉
不經意 和你相遇 在天空 飄著小雨
落下來 清澈的溪 甜美的 每一點 每一滴
楓葉啊 載滿著我的感動 楓葉啊 傾聽著我心情衷
深秋裡 伴隨著亮麗的夢 衝向我
化成了滿山和滿谷的對你思念
寫滿了滿地和滿天的愛的詩篇
詠嘆著生命的美麗和世界的無限
飛舞在以後和從前 它連成一片
隨著溪 流了去 隨著河 又流了來
離去時 心感激 回來時 滿心期待
因為愛 所以存在 露溼的 綠色青苔
晨曦中 迎風而來 飛進了 我心中 的大海
12.12.2004
細微的聲音
有時以為是牆上突然出現了異形裡的怪物，
有時又像是吱嘎的閣樓地板在做最後的抗議，
這次該是隔壁有人在使用吸塵器。
咦，還是樓下說謊的除草器？
不可能，外面的雪正下得細...
也可能是隔街的醫院裡，吃人儀器的超重磁音；
抑或遠方漸漸逼近的警笛的蝴蝶效應？
小義大利的教堂鐘聲愉快，
旋律定時也清楚，伴著那個站在路旁永遠不知道
下個皈依者的姓名的瑪麗亞，
我排除它涉案的必要。
慢慢發現，
細微的聲響來自兩耳之間的龜裂餘韻----
那個失去花園的心靈
剝離了自我意識的細微噪音。
有時又像是吱嘎的閣樓地板在做最後的抗議，
這次該是隔壁有人在使用吸塵器。
咦，還是樓下說謊的除草器？
不可能，外面的雪正下得細...
也可能是隔街的醫院裡，吃人儀器的超重磁音；
抑或遠方漸漸逼近的警笛的蝴蝶效應？
小義大利的教堂鐘聲愉快，
旋律定時也清楚，伴著那個站在路旁永遠不知道
下個皈依者的姓名的瑪麗亞，
我排除它涉案的必要。
慢慢發現，
細微的聲響來自兩耳之間的龜裂餘韻----
那個失去花園的心靈
剝離了自我意識的細微噪音。
12.07.2004
Time to say goodbye
Went to the counselor today.
I have made the decision to delete her icon from the connecting list...
I feel empty for not knowing how to appreciate the world
and having someone to talk to, whenever I feel the slightest surprise.
I feel empty cause I don't know how to position myself,
whenever I feel like complaining how bad the day is,
or how wonderful the world is, you are not there already.
Time to say goodbye.
I wish her well, for the next eternity.
I have made the decision to delete her icon from the connecting list...
I feel empty for not knowing how to appreciate the world
and having someone to talk to, whenever I feel the slightest surprise.
I feel empty cause I don't know how to position myself,
whenever I feel like complaining how bad the day is,
or how wonderful the world is, you are not there already.
Time to say goodbye.
I wish her well, for the next eternity.
12.05.2004
Numbness with pain and a hollow spirit
Don't have other images in mind, whenever I close my eyes...
Just miss the street with mango shaved ice and Japanese ramen,
where there is a small park, with every corner I remembered clearly.
People just come and go, take it a fancy place,
but I used to expecting you and the time to spend together.
From your high school time to my military service,
only Dust in the Wind left.
I haven't walked in that street for years,
maybe this Christmas I am able to do so.
To my deepest memory,
there is so much I couldn't speak out loud to you...
Just miss the street with mango shaved ice and Japanese ramen,
where there is a small park, with every corner I remembered clearly.
People just come and go, take it a fancy place,
but I used to expecting you and the time to spend together.
From your high school time to my military service,
only Dust in the Wind left.
I haven't walked in that street for years,
maybe this Christmas I am able to do so.
To my deepest memory,
there is so much I couldn't speak out loud to you...
12.01.2004
A rememberable day
Today is a remarkable day, for two reasons.
For one, happened in "Jeopardy". The long time champion Ken Jennings was defeated today!! (It later appears to me that this event happened in early September) What a surprise! He has became a celebrity after sucessively being the winner for more than 6 months. He always leads some significant amount of money earned higher than his comepetitor, and has accumulated for about 2.5 billion dollars as total amount of award... He has a close lead to the other competitor today, and made a fatal error in final jeopardy, in which the other competitor (I am sorry I didn't remeber her name, just know that she adapted a child from China. Her name is Nancy Zerg) correctly answered and put the amount that just over Ken Jennings' previous earning from First and Double jeopardy. What a dramatic turnover! The competitor herself couldn't believe it in the first place, either. I am like, dropping my jaw in front of the TV, and feel great right after be realizing that there is nothing impossible in the world... : )
The other thing worthy of remarking was related to the first one. Right after I learned such surprising news, I called her in order to express some excitement I encoutered. Although we are seperated, it seems to me there is some special connection between us while in the occasion that I feel linked, and to say something only and immediately to her... I called, and told her this "surprising" news while she said she knows nothing about it. After I turned immediately to some greetings for her current condition, she said that there is some phone call from others at the same time... I detected the distance, said good night and hung up the phone.
The special connection between these two persons has faded away... Why did I feel that sad right after I hung up the phone? I was numbed by her taking for granted response.
We have became two common people, two lay people dissolved in the crowds. The magic charm has disappeared...
For one, happened in "Jeopardy". The long time champion Ken Jennings was defeated today!! (It later appears to me that this event happened in early September) What a surprise! He has became a celebrity after sucessively being the winner for more than 6 months. He always leads some significant amount of money earned higher than his comepetitor, and has accumulated for about 2.5 billion dollars as total amount of award... He has a close lead to the other competitor today, and made a fatal error in final jeopardy, in which the other competitor (I am sorry I didn't remeber her name, just know that she adapted a child from China. Her name is Nancy Zerg) correctly answered and put the amount that just over Ken Jennings' previous earning from First and Double jeopardy. What a dramatic turnover! The competitor herself couldn't believe it in the first place, either. I am like, dropping my jaw in front of the TV, and feel great right after be realizing that there is nothing impossible in the world... : )
The other thing worthy of remarking was related to the first one. Right after I learned such surprising news, I called her in order to express some excitement I encoutered. Although we are seperated, it seems to me there is some special connection between us while in the occasion that I feel linked, and to say something only and immediately to her... I called, and told her this "surprising" news while she said she knows nothing about it. After I turned immediately to some greetings for her current condition, she said that there is some phone call from others at the same time... I detected the distance, said good night and hung up the phone.
The special connection between these two persons has faded away... Why did I feel that sad right after I hung up the phone? I was numbed by her taking for granted response.
We have became two common people, two lay people dissolved in the crowds. The magic charm has disappeared...
11.27.2004
村上的巧合
中午老友S上線。
他提到上星期某一天和研究所的指導老師去林森北路一家德國餐廳吃豬腳，一家看起來不起眼確有道地食物的地方。「是不是在巷口，餐 廳在地下室但入口是木板門？」我問，他驚訝於我怎麼知道那個地方的樣子。實際上，在他提到這個地方的同時，記憶裡的景象也把旁邊的景物也補足了起來。
那是叫做六條通的街道。我記得，從moon離開之後，肚子總是很餓。附近的小吃店應有盡有，總是看著那些傍晚才開始出來活動的小姐們，頂著制服店的裝扮， 出來買烤鴨頭或是大腸麵線。飲食慾望把一擲千金的夜生活和這些百來元就可以滿足的小吃用奇怪的方式連結在一起。每次都有機會經過那家德國餐廳，卻因為時機 不對，完全沒有想到可以進去吃東西。
但是在這個遙遠的時刻裡，藉由S的經歷，我又回到了那個頂著黃色燈泡的小吃街上，看著來來往往的小姐穿梭期間。此刻窗外的陽光卻正燦爛，廚房裡炸好了豬 排，配著生菜，還有S經由msn傳來的爵士樂：經驗的位移（displaced experience）和回溯的鄉愁（retrospective nostalgia），帶著村上式的巧合，我感受到兩個世界疊合，在這個奇妙的午後。
他提到上星期某一天和研究所的指導老師去林森北路一家德國餐廳吃豬腳，一家看起來不起眼確有道地食物的地方。「是不是在巷口，餐 廳在地下室但入口是木板門？」我問，他驚訝於我怎麼知道那個地方的樣子。實際上，在他提到這個地方的同時，記憶裡的景象也把旁邊的景物也補足了起來。
那是叫做六條通的街道。我記得，從moon離開之後，肚子總是很餓。附近的小吃店應有盡有，總是看著那些傍晚才開始出來活動的小姐們，頂著制服店的裝扮， 出來買烤鴨頭或是大腸麵線。飲食慾望把一擲千金的夜生活和這些百來元就可以滿足的小吃用奇怪的方式連結在一起。每次都有機會經過那家德國餐廳，卻因為時機 不對，完全沒有想到可以進去吃東西。
但是在這個遙遠的時刻裡，藉由S的經歷，我又回到了那個頂著黃色燈泡的小吃街上，看著來來往往的小姐穿梭期間。此刻窗外的陽光卻正燦爛，廚房裡炸好了豬 排，配著生菜，還有S經由msn傳來的爵士樂：經驗的位移（displaced experience）和回溯的鄉愁（retrospective nostalgia），帶著村上式的巧合，我感受到兩個世界疊合，在這個奇妙的午後。
Last Souvenir
(這 是在箱根的museum中照的，此次日本之行第二喜歡的照片，這是一個由鑲嵌玻璃組成的巨塔，作品名稱是「幸福」。這是在接近塔頂的局部，照片表現不出光 影的流動，也沒做成明信片，可能是幸福的感覺得置身其中，讓五彩光影映在身上感受才生動吧。送你「幸福」，願你一路順風，記得要微笑。 8/4/2002)
回憶的技藝
一個人的假期是練習回憶技藝的最好時機。
重點不在於我想要練習，而是這種感覺總是不自主的出現。
「冥冥之中，你就在我左右，跟著我呼吸，看著我一舉和一動。
夏日午後，你隨著陽光出現在我窗口；轉身要看你，你卻溜走。
匆忙之中，你又越過了我，熟悉的香味，飛舞蔓延半空中。
鏡子裡頭，看到你悄悄化成另一個我；閉上了眼睛，你在心中。」
伍佰在『夢的河流』的「你愛我」裡給了一個羅蘭巴特式的回憶之戀的死亡意向。巴特說：「相片永遠透露著死訊，因為它暗含著已成往事的未來。」「無論相片中的人是死是活，每張相片都是一場（已經發生的）災難。」雖然王德威把這樣的觀念拿來談論做為紙上悼亡的朱天心、駱以軍小說觀點，但這樣的狀態無時無刻地出現在每個人的回憶過程中。沒有暗房技巧，回憶的照片可以在在出現時隨意拼貼。
Grove city的寒風裡，我不只看到一年多前的自己曾在那以為應然的戀愛痕跡，我竟也看到了那個初春的週日午後，在誠品樓上的亞歷山大做完運動閒晃的我，無意間 遇 到月前才分手的前女友。當時她漫無目的似的逛著大學口附近的服飾店，見到我一副吃驚和手足無措的感覺；好像我只是個相約碰面一起逛街而遲到的戀人，而不是 已經在夢中哭了好幾回，想要忘記卻還固執地留在身邊的那個「曾經」。
我在這過份歡愉的孤獨假期裡，看著Mikasa店裡的精緻碗盤，也感受到了那個曾經。原來，離開和留下的戀人，其實是比鄰而居的阿。
重點不在於我想要練習，而是這種感覺總是不自主的出現。
「冥冥之中，你就在我左右，跟著我呼吸，看著我一舉和一動。
夏日午後，你隨著陽光出現在我窗口；轉身要看你，你卻溜走。
匆忙之中，你又越過了我，熟悉的香味，飛舞蔓延半空中。
鏡子裡頭，看到你悄悄化成另一個我；閉上了眼睛，你在心中。」
伍佰在『夢的河流』的「你愛我」裡給了一個羅蘭巴特式的回憶之戀的死亡意向。巴特說：「相片永遠透露著死訊，因為它暗含著已成往事的未來。」「無論相片中的人是死是活，每張相片都是一場（已經發生的）災難。」雖然王德威把這樣的觀念拿來談論做為紙上悼亡的朱天心、駱以軍小說觀點，但這樣的狀態無時無刻地出現在每個人的回憶過程中。沒有暗房技巧，回憶的照片可以在在出現時隨意拼貼。
Grove city的寒風裡，我不只看到一年多前的自己曾在那以為應然的戀愛痕跡，我竟也看到了那個初春的週日午後，在誠品樓上的亞歷山大做完運動閒晃的我，無意間 遇 到月前才分手的前女友。當時她漫無目的似的逛著大學口附近的服飾店，見到我一副吃驚和手足無措的感覺；好像我只是個相約碰面一起逛街而遲到的戀人，而不是 已經在夢中哭了好幾回，想要忘記卻還固執地留在身邊的那個「曾經」。
我在這過份歡愉的孤獨假期裡，看著Mikasa店裡的精緻碗盤，也感受到了那個曾經。原來，離開和留下的戀人，其實是比鄰而居的阿。
11.24.2004
Buffalo 66
It is a sad and messy movie, but I like the actress Christina Ricci so much. IF I am going to make a film about American Lolita, she will be the only character for me. She has the mixture of sexy and innocent feeling. Not in the way of being too erotic, but in a intimate, considerate way of presenting the feeling of familiar but not to sensatial... I am a big fan of hers!
Back to the movie. The movie was shown on the IFC (Independent Film Channel). It was created and directed by Vincent Gallo, a previous Calvin Klein model. He plays a loser kind of character who kidnapped a girl (played by Christina Ricci) in the beginning in order to show his parents some achievement such as taking a wife back home with him. The girl was asked to act like his wife. After an intentional acting, the girl became curious about the young man's life. In the end, the good will from the strange girl revitalize the young man. Although the happy ending seems cheap, but the process actually shows lots of absurdity and deep sadness of American family and love. I feel so drawn into the movie in this lonely, pre-Thanksgiving night.
To the memory of New Year's firework with diary writing in winter vacation as my first impression of being alone, I present the movie, Buffalo 66.
Back to the movie. The movie was shown on the IFC (Independent Film Channel). It was created and directed by Vincent Gallo, a previous Calvin Klein model. He plays a loser kind of character who kidnapped a girl (played by Christina Ricci) in the beginning in order to show his parents some achievement such as taking a wife back home with him. The girl was asked to act like his wife. After an intentional acting, the girl became curious about the young man's life. In the end, the good will from the strange girl revitalize the young man. Although the happy ending seems cheap, but the process actually shows lots of absurdity and deep sadness of American family and love. I feel so drawn into the movie in this lonely, pre-Thanksgiving night.
To the memory of New Year's firework with diary writing in winter vacation as my first impression of being alone, I present the movie, Buffalo 66.
關於自我的矛盾
在一段關係裡面久了，出現的問題是過於自我，沒辦法用meta一點的角度來看兩個人的關係和自己的狀態。
於是決定或被迫離開。
然後在一個人的狀態，決定要確定自己需要的什麼，在只能面對自我的狀態下，去看到底什麼是這個單獨的靈魂需要什麼。
這不是矛盾的嗎？因為過於自我而離開一段關係，卻要強調自我去發現自己要什麼。不是這個公式有問題，就是愛好自由的女孩信仰的觀點有個地方斷掉了，但我沒有發現。
誰能幫我解釋這個矛盾？
於是決定或被迫離開。
然後在一個人的狀態，決定要確定自己需要的什麼，在只能面對自我的狀態下，去看到底什麼是這個單獨的靈魂需要什麼。
這不是矛盾的嗎？因為過於自我而離開一段關係，卻要強調自我去發現自己要什麼。不是這個公式有問題，就是愛好自由的女孩信仰的觀點有個地方斷掉了，但我沒有發現。
誰能幫我解釋這個矛盾？
11.23.2004
觀點
寫信給因為她而認識的朋友L。為什麼想寫，大概是把L當作是旁觀卻相關的第三人，希望從那裡得到一些觀點的企圖。
我似乎沒辦法掩蓋我 的無奈和挫折不解的質問。雖然我其實真正想說的，是對於L處理家庭事務的感動，和曾經以為在不久的將來也可以得到這樣的生活而出現的感嘆。不過L 的回應卻有點出乎我意料之外，站在女性和作為她朋友的立場，L似乎責難當她對感情有疑惑的時候，我應該做的是提供依靠和支持，而不是轉過來去讓她覺得被質 疑。 「她是個心智成熟的女生，就我對她的認識，她應該不是一開始就想...」
老實說，我不知道怎麼去回應這個說法。男人被要求「應該」 要在關 鍵的時刻讓自己冷靜下來，那麼女人的心智成熟，意思是要等待短暫的不理性消退之後，感動 於男人的體諒，然後回來嗎？心智成熟的人，不應該可以體會另一人面對這種狀況的感受會是什麼？如果曾經因此情緒激動，之後沒有改變或等待的表示嗎？在這種 狀況下 所表現的情緒反應，就可以成為判斷要不要commit一段關係的依據嗎？
觀點可以如此不同，也許是讓世界這麼精彩的原因。有些問題，不同的角度提供的似乎是更迷惑的事後解釋；就讓曾經還是曾經，已經默默地已經吧。
我似乎沒辦法掩蓋我 的無奈和挫折不解的質問。雖然我其實真正想說的，是對於L處理家庭事務的感動，和曾經以為在不久的將來也可以得到這樣的生活而出現的感嘆。不過L 的回應卻有點出乎我意料之外，站在女性和作為她朋友的立場，L似乎責難當她對感情有疑惑的時候，我應該做的是提供依靠和支持，而不是轉過來去讓她覺得被質 疑。 「她是個心智成熟的女生，就我對她的認識，她應該不是一開始就想...」
老實說，我不知道怎麼去回應這個說法。男人被要求「應該」 要在關 鍵的時刻讓自己冷靜下來，那麼女人的心智成熟，意思是要等待短暫的不理性消退之後，感動 於男人的體諒，然後回來嗎？心智成熟的人，不應該可以體會另一人面對這種狀況的感受會是什麼？如果曾經因此情緒激動，之後沒有改變或等待的表示嗎？在這種 狀況下 所表現的情緒反應，就可以成為判斷要不要commit一段關係的依據嗎？
觀點可以如此不同，也許是讓世界這麼精彩的原因。有些問題，不同的角度提供的似乎是更迷惑的事後解釋；就讓曾經還是曾經，已經默默地已經吧。
澄清與平靜
澄清的感覺，有時候會是一種誤解而已。
當澡缸理的水放掉之後，最後還是會有一些渣質沈留在底部附近。
心裡的水被放掉之後，剩下來的是一些渣質，我想好好觀察那些渣質，就像吉普賽人以咖啡杯留下的殘渣作為占卜的方式一樣。也許我可以這樣觀察到自己在以為清明的狀態裡，隱藏的在其中的，還有一些被沖淡而不自覺的那些情緒。
或者換一個角度看，也許自己可以把一些想法和願望當作茶末，放在心裡的杯底；然後再用生活的思維和熱情當作沖泡的滾水，讓自己展現一種自製的澄清狀態。
說起來有點玄，不過也許可以這麼去設想自己。
當澡缸理的水放掉之後，最後還是會有一些渣質沈留在底部附近。
心裡的水被放掉之後，剩下來的是一些渣質，我想好好觀察那些渣質，就像吉普賽人以咖啡杯留下的殘渣作為占卜的方式一樣。也許我可以這樣觀察到自己在以為清明的狀態裡，隱藏的在其中的，還有一些被沖淡而不自覺的那些情緒。
或者換一個角度看，也許自己可以把一些想法和願望當作茶末，放在心裡的杯底；然後再用生活的思維和熱情當作沖泡的滾水，讓自己展現一種自製的澄清狀態。
說起來有點玄，不過也許可以這麼去設想自己。
11.22.2004
有請陶吉吉代打，昇哥休息吧
寂寞的季節
風吹落最後一片葉，我的心也飄著雪。
愛只能往回憶裡退跌，給下個季節。
忽然間樹上冒花蕊，我怎麼會都沒有感覺；
整條街都是戀愛的人，我獨自走在南風的夜。
多想要向過去告別，當季節不停更迭，
卻還是少一點堅決，在這寂寞的季節。
豔陽高照在那海邊，愛情盛開的時節，
遠遠看著熱鬧一切，記得那狂烈。
窗外是快枯黃的葉，感傷在心中有一些；
喔?我瞭解那些愛過的人，心是如何慢慢在凋謝。
多想要向過去告別，當季節不停更迭，
卻永遠少一點堅決，在這寂寞的季節。
又走過風吹的冷冽，最後一盞燈熄滅；
從回憶我慢慢穿越，在這寂寞的季節。
一樣寂寞的季節...
風吹落最後一片葉，我的心也飄著雪。
愛只能往回憶裡退跌，給下個季節。
忽然間樹上冒花蕊，我怎麼會都沒有感覺；
整條街都是戀愛的人，我獨自走在南風的夜。
多想要向過去告別，當季節不停更迭，
卻還是少一點堅決，在這寂寞的季節。
豔陽高照在那海邊，愛情盛開的時節，
遠遠看著熱鬧一切，記得那狂烈。
窗外是快枯黃的葉，感傷在心中有一些；
喔?我瞭解那些愛過的人，心是如何慢慢在凋謝。
多想要向過去告別，當季節不停更迭，
卻永遠少一點堅決，在這寂寞的季節。
又走過風吹的冷冽，最後一盞燈熄滅；
從回憶我慢慢穿越，在這寂寞的季節。
一樣寂寞的季節...
11.21.2004
Where could I find the world on its track?
很難在自己的生活被拆開之後，立刻去做什麼反應。
有誰告訴我，為什麼她就這樣離開了呢？
每天不管自己多想要讓自己走上可以正常運作的軌道，
總有一段懊悔和怨恨的時刻，該怎麼去面對這些困境？
想到任何可能的社交活動，完全跟研究生的交友圈不同，
要用什麼方式走出目前的寂寥？還是就自己吞下默默承受？
這些看似瑣碎，卻又是整個生活的重心所在的問題，
把我囚困在過去和未來的twilight zone。
有誰告訴我，為什麼她就這樣離開了呢？
每天不管自己多想要讓自己走上可以正常運作的軌道，
總有一段懊悔和怨恨的時刻，該怎麼去面對這些困境？
想到任何可能的社交活動，完全跟研究生的交友圈不同，
要用什麼方式走出目前的寂寥？還是就自己吞下默默承受？
這些看似瑣碎，卻又是整個生活的重心所在的問題，
把我囚困在過去和未來的twilight zone。
11.15.2004
進化論與小雛菊
浴室裡的小雛菊已經完全枯萎，
褐黃的顏色看起來像是美國人喜歡吃的楓糖蘋果。
誰還記得在那個風和日麗的下午兩個愉快的戀人買下它的心情？
那本在浴室裡放了好久的「物種原始」，
帶著虛假地歷史感蜷曲在一個角落，
一時分不清企鵝版和廣告型錄的印刷品質有什麼差別。
離開浴室，穿過狹廊，
我閱讀著自己在這裡建造起的過往，
還有曾經憶起的美好時光。
褐黃的顏色看起來像是美國人喜歡吃的楓糖蘋果。
誰還記得在那個風和日麗的下午兩個愉快的戀人買下它的心情？
那本在浴室裡放了好久的「物種原始」，
帶著虛假地歷史感蜷曲在一個角落，
一時分不清企鵝版和廣告型錄的印刷品質有什麼差別。
離開浴室，穿過狹廊，
我閱讀著自己在這裡建造起的過往，
還有曾經憶起的美好時光。
該羨慕還是遺憾？
朋友到遠方去跟愛人談判。
講電話時，說起這幾天的心得，她覺得自己好像每天都過了一個世紀，每天都有很大的里程碑在兩人的瞭解上。雖然最後可能決定不在一起，不過卻讓她覺得感動和豐收。
我為她高興，也為自己的狀況覺得難過。如果我曾經在離開的時候，能夠有過長長的對談，或者感受到來自另一人的一點點惋惜和嘗試再理解的努力，我會有完全不同的感覺。
我試圖去掩蓋這個遺憾的必要，讓我變得麻木，也變得脆弱。
講電話時，說起這幾天的心得，她覺得自己好像每天都過了一個世紀，每天都有很大的里程碑在兩人的瞭解上。雖然最後可能決定不在一起，不過卻讓她覺得感動和豐收。
我為她高興，也為自己的狀況覺得難過。如果我曾經在離開的時候，能夠有過長長的對談，或者感受到來自另一人的一點點惋惜和嘗試再理解的努力，我會有完全不同的感覺。
我試圖去掩蓋這個遺憾的必要，讓我變得麻木，也變得脆弱。
Story to encourage people who once lost
Here is the story about a friend I knew long time ago.
He was a talented pianist and became the youngest faculty in Curtis Institute.
However, a strange disease haunted him at his golden time and forced him to stay in hospital for two years. At the time, when doctors all claimed that he can never play music again, he stood up again, did all the painful recovery exercises, and really went back to the stage he once thought he lost for good.
He is 劉孟捷, and here is his story from Health megazine.
He was a talented pianist and became the youngest faculty in Curtis Institute.
However, a strange disease haunted him at his golden time and forced him to stay in hospital for two years. At the time, when doctors all claimed that he can never play music again, he stood up again, did all the painful recovery exercises, and really went back to the stage he once thought he lost for good.
He is 劉孟捷, and here is his story from Health megazine.
The ordeal of being lonely
Here I am, as a person just out of a long term relationship.
Sometimes I can even feel that people would have the unsaid doubt on me, thinking "it must be your fault, your way of treating her wrong. Otherwise, why did she leave?"
I keep on asking that question to myself, too. At this point, this question becomes a myth, but also a ordeal to me. The more I want to find the real answer, the more I find it is hurting. So here I am, under the ordeal. The ordeal that I am deserved to be lonely, the ordeal that I feel my funtional abilities are all drawn back to the memory about the past. The more I want to take something out of it, either reflections or comforts, I got worse. Many times, it feels like I am trapped by myself. And I really don't know why the she could walk out so easily and clearly.
I am here, taking the ordeal for myself.
Sometimes I can even feel that people would have the unsaid doubt on me, thinking "it must be your fault, your way of treating her wrong. Otherwise, why did she leave?"
I keep on asking that question to myself, too. At this point, this question becomes a myth, but also a ordeal to me. The more I want to find the real answer, the more I find it is hurting. So here I am, under the ordeal. The ordeal that I am deserved to be lonely, the ordeal that I feel my funtional abilities are all drawn back to the memory about the past. The more I want to take something out of it, either reflections or comforts, I got worse. Many times, it feels like I am trapped by myself. And I really don't know why the she could walk out so easily and clearly.
I am here, taking the ordeal for myself.
11.13.2004
奇妙的說話方式：關於教會小組與大長今
對於上一篇post的說話方式，我自己覺得很奇妙。
我也許知道背後的改變來自於哪裡...
昨天晚上第一次跟系上同學去參加團契的聚會。我其實很討厭昨天的聚會（對不起阿Nell），一堆什麼贖罪禱告，分享禱告，代替禱告等等的。我跟他們在那裡好像一個傻瓜一樣，聽一堆人乞求阿爸父了一個晚上...
不過奇怪的是，在被強迫灌輸了那麼多禱告的台詞之後，說事情的方式也真的被改變了。看到情緒化的語氣和失望的觀點時，會想要去reach out並且提供balance事情的看法...我覺得，宗教在潛移默化的方面，學習禱告大概是最重要的一個體現過程。
另 一個奇怪的影響呢...是看完「大長今」精華篇之後的影響。看到長今醫女在許多不幸和試煉之後，有人相助，也有人繼續對她誣陷和不善。但是她的回應是， 如何把握自己所處的地位，手上的資源，去幫助和協助身邊的人，也毫不畏懼地指正比她權力大者的錯誤。在沒有人可以分享看到這樣故事的感動之餘，也許把它轉 換成我也希望可以這樣做的一種動力。至少我有意識到我對這部戲的強烈感受。
雖然浪狗兄說大長今會紅，是因為結合了飲食和醫術的知性以及愛情親情的感性，讓台灣觀眾如癡如醉；我卻覺得，這也許是一種longing for ethical perspective的回應...
我也許知道背後的改變來自於哪裡...
昨天晚上第一次跟系上同學去參加團契的聚會。我其實很討厭昨天的聚會（對不起阿Nell），一堆什麼贖罪禱告，分享禱告，代替禱告等等的。我跟他們在那裡好像一個傻瓜一樣，聽一堆人乞求阿爸父了一個晚上...
不過奇怪的是，在被強迫灌輸了那麼多禱告的台詞之後，說事情的方式也真的被改變了。看到情緒化的語氣和失望的觀點時，會想要去reach out並且提供balance事情的看法...我覺得，宗教在潛移默化的方面，學習禱告大概是最重要的一個體現過程。
另 一個奇怪的影響呢...是看完「大長今」精華篇之後的影響。看到長今醫女在許多不幸和試煉之後，有人相助，也有人繼續對她誣陷和不善。但是她的回應是， 如何把握自己所處的地位，手上的資源，去幫助和協助身邊的人，也毫不畏懼地指正比她權力大者的錯誤。在沒有人可以分享看到這樣故事的感動之餘，也許把它轉 換成我也希望可以這樣做的一種動力。至少我有意識到我對這部戲的強烈感受。
雖然浪狗兄說大長今會紅，是因為結合了飲食和醫術的知性以及愛情親情的感性，讓台灣觀眾如癡如醉；我卻覺得，這也許是一種longing for ethical perspective的回應...
My Prayer for W
其實我可以發現W目前的狀態，
看起來有個隱約的困境和被迴避的問題。
她想要改變，跳脫原來覺得的停滯和沒有被重視的感覺，並且用 一個可以計畫和自我獨立的角度來朝向世界。但是在這樣做的時候，有些在跟人溝通上，或者是面對自己和身邊人的關係上的關鍵議題和反應，會被自己當作是軟 弱、錯誤的期待、不切實際的幻想，而受到想要獨立，理性，可以掌握自己的狀態的心態所排斥，壓抑。
這樣的壓抑，其實會扭曲在當下面對事情時，可以處理和體會的一些契機，也可能會讓自己建立起長遠誤會的心態。就像我對她說，這樣思考方式的結果，也許會產生像在six feet under裡面看到的Ruth姊妹一樣，最親近的人反而有最深的代溝。
因為我知道她的家人對她來說仍然意義重大，所以我祈禱她在面對需要和挫折的時候，可以想想自己真正想要溝通的是什麼，在聽到父母不夠諒解的語氣時稍稍忍耐，然後想想可以用什麼方式去reach out，說出自己的需要，並且感受到別人其實也同樣只是想要關心與被聆聽。
我希望，她能夠聽到。
看起來有個隱約的困境和被迴避的問題。
她想要改變，跳脫原來覺得的停滯和沒有被重視的感覺，並且用 一個可以計畫和自我獨立的角度來朝向世界。但是在這樣做的時候，有些在跟人溝通上，或者是面對自己和身邊人的關係上的關鍵議題和反應，會被自己當作是軟 弱、錯誤的期待、不切實際的幻想，而受到想要獨立，理性，可以掌握自己的狀態的心態所排斥，壓抑。
這樣的壓抑，其實會扭曲在當下面對事情時，可以處理和體會的一些契機，也可能會讓自己建立起長遠誤會的心態。就像我對她說，這樣思考方式的結果，也許會產生像在six feet under裡面看到的Ruth姊妹一樣，最親近的人反而有最深的代溝。
因為我知道她的家人對她來說仍然意義重大，所以我祈禱她在面對需要和挫折的時候，可以想想自己真正想要溝通的是什麼，在聽到父母不夠諒解的語氣時稍稍忍耐，然後想想可以用什麼方式去reach out，說出自己的需要，並且感受到別人其實也同樣只是想要關心與被聆聽。
我希望，她能夠聽到。
Silencio
Silencio, que estan durmiendo los nardos y las azucenas.
(Hush, the lilies and purple flowers are sleeping)
No quiero que sepan mis penas
(I don't want them to know of my sorrow)
Porque si me ven llorando, moriran.
(For if they see me crying, they will die)
Composed by Rafael Fernandez
Music styel: Bolero
Singers: Ibrahim Ferrer & Omara Portuondo
Album: Beuna Vista Social Club
Ibrahim Ferrer
(Hush, the lilies and purple flowers are sleeping)
No quiero que sepan mis penas
(I don't want them to know of my sorrow)
Porque si me ven llorando, moriran.
(For if they see me crying, they will die)
Composed by Rafael Fernandez
Music styel: Bolero
Singers: Ibrahim Ferrer & Omara Portuondo
Album: Beuna Vista Social Club
Ibrahim Ferrer
11.09.2004
I feel so sick of that!
Don't worry! This is not an entry about my emotional life... :P
When I stepped down the bus this morning, there was a college student waiting traffic light in front of me. I saw an offending badge on his backpack says "We Won! Bush Chenay 2004". I feel so sick! There is nothing more sorrowful and outrageous than seeing these kids taking the political campaign as sports or some kind of frantic fan supports in their first experience of politics. I suggest them to read Susan Sontag's Reading the Pains of Others, which is reviewed by a good friend of mine, Ilya Lee.
God Bless America! May these kids have at least the minimal competent judgement to run this gigantic war machine.
When I stepped down the bus this morning, there was a college student waiting traffic light in front of me. I saw an offending badge on his backpack says "We Won! Bush Chenay 2004". I feel so sick! There is nothing more sorrowful and outrageous than seeing these kids taking the political campaign as sports or some kind of frantic fan supports in their first experience of politics. I suggest them to read Susan Sontag's Reading the Pains of Others, which is reviewed by a good friend of mine, Ilya Lee.
God Bless America! May these kids have at least the minimal competent judgement to run this gigantic war machine.
I feel so familiar
In the episode of "Soprano" I ran into this evening,
the college boy from a blue-blooded family
wanted to break up with his white-collar background girlfriend.
He said he doesn't think they should see each other anymore.
The girl stunned and said, "but we worked out so good?"
"Do you really think so? There is a deep cynicism in your reaction,
and don't let me go into this. Let's just stop and go on our life."
Yes, let's go on our life.
the college boy from a blue-blooded family
wanted to break up with his white-collar background girlfriend.
He said he doesn't think they should see each other anymore.
The girl stunned and said, "but we worked out so good?"
"Do you really think so? There is a deep cynicism in your reaction,
and don't let me go into this. Let's just stop and go on our life."
Yes, let's go on our life.
記憶的重量
有人說，如果沒有故事，紀念品過了沒多久就會沒有感覺了。
那是記憶的重量，我輕聲地在心裡回覆；
雖然在真實生活裡，其他人可以輕鬆地加上評論，而我卻無法。
在美國的生活，其實也是個巨大的紀念品。
第 一次發現有趣的sit com，第一次可以看得懂Will & Grace裡的Pun；第一次發現有人可以這麼迷law & order；第一次開上高速公路，長途跋涉到另一個城市去；第一次吃到彷彿Panera裡的水果沙拉，來自她把他鄉當故鄉的手藝；第一次在這裡複製出像遼 寧街夜市那樣的麻油豬心，還有曾經在一起的幸福時光......
漸漸地，在這裡的每個驚奇變成熟悉，然後喜愛，習慣。
然而我卻不知到這樣的習慣是對某種生活型態的模仿和渴望，
而不全然是來自對共同生活的感動。
生命如是，在變動之後只能帶著已經失去記憶重量的生活，嘗試各種可以著陸的方式。記得夢境初醒的早晨，走在房間裡有如太空漫遊，該是那些重量，都已在一夜間棄我而去。
我漫遊，在落葉般飄落的記憶碎片間。
那是記憶的重量，我輕聲地在心裡回覆；
雖然在真實生活裡，其他人可以輕鬆地加上評論，而我卻無法。
在美國的生活，其實也是個巨大的紀念品。
第 一次發現有趣的sit com，第一次可以看得懂Will & Grace裡的Pun；第一次發現有人可以這麼迷law & order；第一次開上高速公路，長途跋涉到另一個城市去；第一次吃到彷彿Panera裡的水果沙拉，來自她把他鄉當故鄉的手藝；第一次在這裡複製出像遼 寧街夜市那樣的麻油豬心，還有曾經在一起的幸福時光......
漸漸地，在這裡的每個驚奇變成熟悉，然後喜愛，習慣。
然而我卻不知到這樣的習慣是對某種生活型態的模仿和渴望，
而不全然是來自對共同生活的感動。
生命如是，在變動之後只能帶著已經失去記憶重量的生活，嘗試各種可以著陸的方式。記得夢境初醒的早晨，走在房間裡有如太空漫遊，該是那些重量，都已在一夜間棄我而去。
我漫遊，在落葉般飄落的記憶碎片間。
11.08.2004
陳昇之夜
最適合失戀的人渡過，今天晚上是「流星小夜曲」
脫了鞋在溫暖的晚風裡奔跑，像孩子一模樣；
還說你的生活彷彿是一場空，從不曾看過流星。
昨天你在人潮擁擠的街上，忘了來去何方；
明天等待下個瘋狂的日子，你希望寂寥都走開。
然而人們彼此太過於自私，只渴望有人來愛；
所以是否我們以忘了怎樣付出，怎樣去愛，怎麼愛...
（流星，流星...你從哪裡來？）你我相逢，在黑夜的海上...
（流星，流星...你要往哪裡去？）
嘿...當你追著流星也累了，靠在我身旁；
我的流星今夜讓我緊緊地抓住了，就不要再離開。
快樂就快樂吧，生命常有烏雲，輕聲地在我懷裡哭；
哭泣就哭泣吧，幸福雖美，卻很短促。
陪著你在溫暖的晚風裡奔跑，像孩子一模樣；
當你覺得失望也覺得累了，我不曾走開，我不會走開...
(Dedicated to the Karaoke night, with my dear friend)
脫了鞋在溫暖的晚風裡奔跑，像孩子一模樣；
還說你的生活彷彿是一場空，從不曾看過流星。
昨天你在人潮擁擠的街上，忘了來去何方；
明天等待下個瘋狂的日子，你希望寂寥都走開。
然而人們彼此太過於自私，只渴望有人來愛；
所以是否我們以忘了怎樣付出，怎樣去愛，怎麼愛...
（流星，流星...你從哪裡來？）你我相逢，在黑夜的海上...
（流星，流星...你要往哪裡去？）
嘿...當你追著流星也累了，靠在我身旁；
我的流星今夜讓我緊緊地抓住了，就不要再離開。
快樂就快樂吧，生命常有烏雲，輕聲地在我懷裡哭；
哭泣就哭泣吧，幸福雖美，卻很短促。
陪著你在溫暖的晚風裡奔跑，像孩子一模樣；
當你覺得失望也覺得累了，我不曾走開，我不會走開...
(Dedicated to the Karaoke night, with my dear friend)
11.07.2004
Roger and Me
Sipoh是我的朋友的室友，一個從南非來的!Kung族後裔。
那天在他們那裡，Sipoh說要找一部關於American Poverty的紀錄片，讓他課上的學生知道美國也有很多處於Poverty裡面的人。我說，這樣的片應該很好找，只是我一時間想不起來。
朋友流浪狗說，他手上正好有一部片"Roger and Me"，完完全全就是講GM撤出密西根的Flint之後，整個城市成為貧窮化的狀況。
Michael Moore 在他這部早期的片子裡面，就已經顯現他擅長的手法，那就是把自己直接面對托拉斯高層的尋找過程，中間的官僚語彙，原原本本的紀錄下來讓觀眾直接評判。
更 進一步，他還會運用許多並置的手法：例如把公共關係發言人和被遣散員工對GM董事長的評價放在一起，讓觀眾發現大部分的辭令只是公共關係裡面的裝飾；或者 是把失業之後大批沒有錢繼續居住當地居民留下來的房子，鼠患嚴重的畫面，和GM高層雇用當地失業人士，在野餐宴會上做「活體雕塑」的諷刺畫面放在一起。讓 觀眾在面對片子的時候，無法再轉頭不看事實對真實人物的衝擊。
布希在他的得獎作品"Fahrenheit 911"之後還是當選連任，這個天才導演要再拍什麼片讓大家看到美國政治辭令和狹隘世界觀的荒謬呢？我拭目以待。
那天在他們那裡，Sipoh說要找一部關於American Poverty的紀錄片，讓他課上的學生知道美國也有很多處於Poverty裡面的人。我說，這樣的片應該很好找，只是我一時間想不起來。
朋友流浪狗說，他手上正好有一部片"Roger and Me"，完完全全就是講GM撤出密西根的Flint之後，整個城市成為貧窮化的狀況。
Michael Moore 在他這部早期的片子裡面，就已經顯現他擅長的手法，那就是把自己直接面對托拉斯高層的尋找過程，中間的官僚語彙，原原本本的紀錄下來讓觀眾直接評判。
更 進一步，他還會運用許多並置的手法：例如把公共關係發言人和被遣散員工對GM董事長的評價放在一起，讓觀眾發現大部分的辭令只是公共關係裡面的裝飾；或者 是把失業之後大批沒有錢繼續居住當地居民留下來的房子，鼠患嚴重的畫面，和GM高層雇用當地失業人士，在野餐宴會上做「活體雕塑」的諷刺畫面放在一起。讓 觀眾在面對片子的時候，無法再轉頭不看事實對真實人物的衝擊。
布希在他的得獎作品"Fahrenheit 911"之後還是當選連任，這個天才導演要再拍什麼片讓大家看到美國政治辭令和狹隘世界觀的荒謬呢？我拭目以待。
Free from emotional posts
The Hillman, early evening on Sunday.
People study, stick to public computers, or hang themselves on to their mobile phones.
I am leaving all those reactionary post behind.
I am heading toward an opinion-oriented, humanistically reflective world of blog.
As to my own emotions, let them be the silent labors.
People study, stick to public computers, or hang themselves on to their mobile phones.
I am leaving all those reactionary post behind.
I am heading toward an opinion-oriented, humanistically reflective world of blog.
As to my own emotions, let them be the silent labors.
11.04.2004
There are lots of brave people
Or maybe there are people blind by their happiness in love.
I wish I could go back to the list of bravity,
the place that honor all the people who use their promise
to keep the world moving.
Here is a touching story...
I wish I could go back to the list of bravity,
the place that honor all the people who use their promise
to keep the world moving.
Here is a touching story...
11.03.2004
無情的世界遍布荊棘
我醒來了。
在一個漆黑的，沒有燈光，四周感覺起來只是無盡的荒野的地方，醒來。
結結實實地受了傷，
在那舊日的情義火焰仍然還有一點餘溫的時候，
卻被當作是個討人厭的蒼蠅般欲揮之而後快。
我醒來了，手邊沒有可以照亮四周的探索動力，
跟我在一起的是什麼呢？
站起來，朝向有些微亮光的地方，走去。
在一個漆黑的，沒有燈光，四周感覺起來只是無盡的荒野的地方，醒來。
結結實實地受了傷，
在那舊日的情義火焰仍然還有一點餘溫的時候，
卻被當作是個討人厭的蒼蠅般欲揮之而後快。
我醒來了，手邊沒有可以照亮四周的探索動力，
跟我在一起的是什麼呢？
站起來，朝向有些微亮光的地方，走去。
11.01.2004
Geneology of Love
Where did the mythical origin come to be recognized as the thing called love?
When two people are above the connection of common lay persons, the connection sublimes into the feeling of love.
Then there was hang out, kisses, movie going, window shopping,
hugging, rubbing, wine and cheese tasting, whispering, and fucking.
And there was also traveling, hiking, river trail biking, tennis playing, party going, pumpkin carving, fighting, crying, and missing.
How do we draw the geneology of love?
Only by the scars in heart....
When two people are above the connection of common lay persons, the connection sublimes into the feeling of love.
Then there was hang out, kisses, movie going, window shopping,
hugging, rubbing, wine and cheese tasting, whispering, and fucking.
And there was also traveling, hiking, river trail biking, tennis playing, party going, pumpkin carving, fighting, crying, and missing.
How do we draw the geneology of love?
Only by the scars in heart....
10.31.2004
October, 2004
Go for what I should promise to myself
I can build up my own paradise,
and find someone is willing to dwell.
I know I can.
All the lies and rhetorics are left in ashes.
Whereas the telephone bill arrives,
it tells the real story;
The story of dishonesty and hiding away.
Let it stay in the world it belongs.
and find someone is willing to dwell.
I know I can.
All the lies and rhetorics are left in ashes.
Whereas the telephone bill arrives,
it tells the real story;
The story of dishonesty and hiding away.
Let it stay in the world it belongs.
絕佳描述；The best description
I randomly bumped into a description of a girl for herself.
Shockingly, I feel I was reading the self description for you.
Probably this is the thing I need to know long time ago,
however, I just so blind in my imagination,
and forgot you are the Scorpion...
Quote:
"I live in taiwan. I am an outgoing person who likes travel see new place and know new people. I like to go out with friends and listening to music , swimming,and traveling. I have been to italy, usa,japan,hongkong. 我是個動靜皆宜.酷愛美食和旅遊的女生.一直在尋找MR.RIGHT.是要靠老天爺給的緣份.如果你我有緣的話.不妨試試看囉.如果要交朋友一定要附照 片．這是基本的尊重 人跟人在一起~是緣份跟感覺,那是無法勉強!相信每個人會有一生一次的真愛。每個人在生命歷程中會逐漸形成某種樣貌的人，那是獨一無二的樣貌，是結合了態 度、性格、習慣等等而形成的樣貌。理論上，會有另外一個人，他的這些種種樣貌剛好會和你的形成最完美的搭配，指的並不僅僅是互補或默契，這句話的重點在於 「搭配」。也就是說，這樣兩個人的相處會是完全的愉悅。我稱呼這個人為「真愛」。人的一生會不會有這樣的一個真愛呢？當然有，只要有一個你，就會有一個理 論上跟你完全搭配的人。但是在你一輩子甚至好幾輩子中會不會遇到這樣的人呢？我的答案是，天知道。經過幾段感情之後，我漸漸感應到我的真愛會是什麼樣子， 也就是說，只要我遇到，我一定能夠認出他來，雖然我可能一輩子也遇不到。有人說我花心、不專情，我非常認真地說，我太專情了，我愛上的是一個我還沒遇見的 人，而且我為了他而放棄其他所有的可能的情感關係，即使我優游於許多異性朋友之間，但我始終在感情上忠貞不貳，並且也從未讓對方誤解過這一點".....
I think I probably konw what she wants,
but it's just not what I can relate to a relationship.
For sure.
Shockingly, I feel I was reading the self description for you.
Probably this is the thing I need to know long time ago,
however, I just so blind in my imagination,
and forgot you are the Scorpion...
Quote:
"I live in taiwan. I am an outgoing person who likes travel see new place and know new people. I like to go out with friends and listening to music , swimming,and traveling. I have been to italy, usa,japan,hongkong. 我是個動靜皆宜.酷愛美食和旅遊的女生.一直在尋找MR.RIGHT.是要靠老天爺給的緣份.如果你我有緣的話.不妨試試看囉.如果要交朋友一定要附照 片．這是基本的尊重 人跟人在一起~是緣份跟感覺,那是無法勉強!相信每個人會有一生一次的真愛。每個人在生命歷程中會逐漸形成某種樣貌的人，那是獨一無二的樣貌，是結合了態 度、性格、習慣等等而形成的樣貌。理論上，會有另外一個人，他的這些種種樣貌剛好會和你的形成最完美的搭配，指的並不僅僅是互補或默契，這句話的重點在於 「搭配」。也就是說，這樣兩個人的相處會是完全的愉悅。我稱呼這個人為「真愛」。人的一生會不會有這樣的一個真愛呢？當然有，只要有一個你，就會有一個理 論上跟你完全搭配的人。但是在你一輩子甚至好幾輩子中會不會遇到這樣的人呢？我的答案是，天知道。經過幾段感情之後，我漸漸感應到我的真愛會是什麼樣子， 也就是說，只要我遇到，我一定能夠認出他來，雖然我可能一輩子也遇不到。有人說我花心、不專情，我非常認真地說，我太專情了，我愛上的是一個我還沒遇見的 人，而且我為了他而放棄其他所有的可能的情感關係，即使我優游於許多異性朋友之間，但我始終在感情上忠貞不貳，並且也從未讓對方誤解過這一點".....
I think I probably konw what she wants,
but it's just not what I can relate to a relationship.
For sure.
10.29.2004
SADDEST POEM
Before I can write anything genuine myself,
I can only project my longing by reciting the great mind.
The silent longing.
Even vows and lyrics,
they cannot be carried, without the weight of love.
The Saddest Poem
by Pablo Neruda
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
I can only project my longing by reciting the great mind.
The silent longing.
Even vows and lyrics,
they cannot be carried, without the weight of love.
The Saddest Poem
by Pablo Neruda
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
10.28.2004
Could anyone tell me?
How to post Japanese and Chinese at the same time,
without making the random code like the one in previous post?
The link for the lyrics of Koji Tamaki's "The heart of wine red"
could be found here
without making the random code like the one in previous post?
The link for the lyrics of Koji Tamaki's "The heart of wine red"
could be found here
10.21.2004
10.20.2004
10.18.2004
In this transitional period
I heard some strange and interesting news from my hometown,
which can never reach my ear if what I encountered recently didn't happen.
Who knows, if there is something going on in the corner outside of one's vision,
how long would it take to wait the miserable feeling faded?
But, the promise and the waiting is still carrying on,
as the one that I have once missed to provide
in the time needed.
Good night, when she seems to step on her own journey,
I am sleeping under the blessing of stars.
which can never reach my ear if what I encountered recently didn't happen.
Who knows, if there is something going on in the corner outside of one's vision,
how long would it take to wait the miserable feeling faded?
But, the promise and the waiting is still carrying on,
as the one that I have once missed to provide
in the time needed.
Good night, when she seems to step on her own journey,
I am sleeping under the blessing of stars.
10.17.2004
I feel your indifference
Yesterday, I approached her, with things I promised to change, but she greeted me with a unresponding body. I was worrying a reaction like this but didn't expect it really happened. It is not a reaction of complaining a mindless lover, but a claim of distance that she didn't put her mind here anymore. After I offered to do two changes/promises so could help our relationship, the reaction, again, is indifference. I am beaten down by these indifferences. If any one party of a couple really wants to work out the relationship, it cannot be one-sided. As she herself know it from her own experiences.
While she kept saying, "if you really put your true love in the relationship, you should know how to make me feel being loved," I must say, it is the moment when a relationship became a survivor game. The one who asks to judge a relationship by such "performance" has already become the referee of a relationship on the table, not the one who feel happy or sad at the same time with the partner.
She want to find the "true" love, and I wish her good luck.
While she kept saying, "if you really put your true love in the relationship, you should know how to make me feel being loved," I must say, it is the moment when a relationship became a survivor game. The one who asks to judge a relationship by such "performance" has already become the referee of a relationship on the table, not the one who feel happy or sad at the same time with the partner.
She want to find the "true" love, and I wish her good luck.
10.13.2004
Make the taste of my life a cafeteria
Someone complained to me that the life with me seems a little unchanging, the undertone is boring probably.
Although I am kind of used to that way of life, it seems that I am too indulgent in what I have used to, and forget to play the tricks by myself and entertain other miserable souls.
As I remember that I am used to eat Thai food from the street vendor in front of my school, I feel I am obliged to eat their food, and also feel I am loyal to my taste. One day, I approached to the vegetarian wrap booth and asked for one because the Thai vendor was crowded with people. The freshness and revitalized taste surprised me. "I need to take different diet and make myself healthier" I think. This is the idea I am applying to my own life.
"Talk to myself, express as varied as the diet in the food," I remind myself quietly. After all, life is elsewhere.
Although I am kind of used to that way of life, it seems that I am too indulgent in what I have used to, and forget to play the tricks by myself and entertain other miserable souls.
As I remember that I am used to eat Thai food from the street vendor in front of my school, I feel I am obliged to eat their food, and also feel I am loyal to my taste. One day, I approached to the vegetarian wrap booth and asked for one because the Thai vendor was crowded with people. The freshness and revitalized taste surprised me. "I need to take different diet and make myself healthier" I think. This is the idea I am applying to my own life.
"Talk to myself, express as varied as the diet in the food," I remind myself quietly. After all, life is elsewhere.
10.03.2004
崑濱伯的命運觀（無米樂的隨意聯想）
無米樂中的崑濱伯說，五十幾歲的時候眼睛痛了起來，沒辦法醫好結果右眼瞎了。為什麼會這樣？他在眼痛的時候半夜起來邊敷眼睛邊想，到底這一生做過什麼違背 良心的事，讓他的眼睛變成這樣….小時候偷摘過芭樂，不過這應該不致於這麼嚴重….他後來覺得，是那時候種花生賣給人家，有些時候花生沒有曬乾，還有土粉 就賣出去，害人家賣不到好價錢，大概是這個原因吧…
我邊聽，只覺得這好像EvansPritchard在解釋Azande人理解為什麼穀倉會倒下來正好壓到某個人身上。他們知道米倉因為白蟻的齧蝕就快傾倒，但為什麼是哪個剛好坐在樹下的人？----只有巫術能解釋！
如何相信世界是隨機的？又如何把信仰放在自己需要解釋的位置？這些是和自我觀念息息相關的。
還有要說，無米樂拍的真不錯。但是要花多少時間換來這兩小時的觀看阿....（我記得Email傳來的訊息上是說三十個月）
我邊聽，只覺得這好像EvansPritchard在解釋Azande人理解為什麼穀倉會倒下來正好壓到某個人身上。他們知道米倉因為白蟻的齧蝕就快傾倒，但為什麼是哪個剛好坐在樹下的人？----只有巫術能解釋！
如何相信世界是隨機的？又如何把信仰放在自己需要解釋的位置？這些是和自我觀念息息相關的。
還有要說，無米樂拍的真不錯。但是要花多少時間換來這兩小時的觀看阿....（我記得Email傳來的訊息上是說三十個月）
10.02.2004
粗鄙的外交現實？華麗的語言魔障？
這篇文章是在昨天晚上和同學討論，今天中午和女友聊天之後產生出來的心得。雖然時效上已經晚了，不過我還是把它投到中國時報去，不知道有沒有機會出現？
粗鄙的外交現實？華麗的語言魔障？
身 為一個身處國外的留學生，台灣新聞裡 上演的每齣語言角力都是令人不斷嘆息，無言以對的劇碼。然而，這些劇碼背後有其確切的文化鬥爭意義所在，而這些文化鬥爭的實際意義常常被新聞的聳動感和對 立性掩蓋了。可惜的是，身處這些鬥爭中的當事人，卻也沒能把握如何處理這些能夠反映台灣實際困境的語言資產。
日前陳唐山部長對新加坡外長的「PLP」評論，就是個典型的例子。
陳部長以「PLP」 形容新加坡對待中國的奉承態度，實際上一點都沒有錯；面對支持台灣地位自主立場的鄉親，這樣的說法也絕對令人同情。問題是，當這種在國際困境中生長出來的 語言反應，面對以「風度翩翩，出入有節」的外交慣習，和國際政治野蠻現實的壓迫下，只能被說成一種粗鄙無文的下里巴人；陳部長的氣憤和鬱悶可想而知。但 是，身為一個國家外交政策的代表人時，有些話還是不應該直說出口。陳部長在回應記者時，大可以用更精巧的方式，來說明自己的困境。一種回應自己的「快語」 （不管到底是有意還是無心），但可以令人同情且感同身受的說法會是：「身為一個外交人員，我為這樣的說法道歉；但是面對處處受到壓迫的台灣外交地位，這樣 的說法表示我個人的無奈與憤怒。」如此清楚說明台灣在面對許多立場時敢怒不得言的憤慨，相信更能得到眾人的理解和支持；而不是把爭論轉移至藍綠意識，或 者，更誤導視聽的，認定鄉土語言的粗鄙特質上。
如 同連橫先生在「台灣通史」裡說：『台 灣本無史』；同樣也可以理解的是，「台灣本無文」。這種「無文」是一個在島嶼邊緣時時要為自我生存鬥爭的必然底線。無文所以可以無懼，適合需要械鬥要脅， 打了就跑的競爭現實。但是，當新的語言和文明轉化出現在歷史鬥爭的過程之中，向上提昇的力量往往是來自於對於當下糾葛處境得以昇華的渴望。如同楊渡先生在 日前的評論中提到，日據時期台灣文化協會諸賢的努力即是其一。文化應是一種對於未來生活的想望，一種轉化只為眼前翻滾掙扎的躍升力量。如果現在看到的文 化，是要用一種提煉過的詞藻去排斥另一種生存處境，那也是誤認了文化的底層蘊含。
作 為一個遙遠卻又心切的觀察者，企盼的 是當所謂的「草根語言」出現之後，論者與閱聽大眾可以試著去思考這種文明與粗鄙背後的文化衝突，與台灣面對的現實掙扎。對於當事人，我認為自然應該放下以 個人悲情經歷，和虛假的代表全民意志的態度，在外交處境壓迫時，明確表明真實心情與不得不道歉的現實差距；然而在另一方面，如果評論認為這種「鄉野詞彙」 的出現只是顯示了說話者的「無文」（或新奇地稱為「蠟筆小新」），而故意忽略在面對他國使用外交辭令同時卻也依恃著政治權力的蠻橫態度，也不過是一種以文 明人自居的鴕鳥心態。
9.20.2004
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