The ordeal of being lonely

Here I am, as a person just out of a long term relationship.
Sometimes I can even feel that people would have the unsaid doubt on me, thinking "it must be your fault, your way of treating her wrong. Otherwise, why did she leave?"

I keep on asking that question to myself, too. At this point, this question becomes a myth, but also a ordeal to me. The more I want to find the real answer, the more I find it is hurting. So here I am, under the ordeal. The ordeal that I am deserved to be lonely, the ordeal that I feel my funtional abilities are all drawn back to the memory about the past. The more I want to take something out of it, either reflections or comforts, I got worse. Many times, it feels like I am trapped by myself. And I really don't know why the she could walk out so easily and clearly.

I am here, taking the ordeal for myself.